Performance Anxiety

Hi, Michelle !

I don't know you outside of a few posts and have never seen you play but generally when I hear about performance anxiety in music (and I feel it's very different from sports) I relate it to these 2 things: a) not owning the music, and b) being unable to make peace with the fact of the constant process and instance of sharing. These two are quite related to each other and you can tell if they relate to you or not. 

As an introduction to "a" let me say that I wondered many times why my friends who had to present master and doctorate thesis weren't caught by "stage anxiety" when they were performing their presentations. They had never had any kind of rehearsal or previous presentations or similar instances and certainly they did not entered their carreer thinking about "stage" as a requirement or a day to day bond whith their carreer. But, my answer to that was that when they were presenting they were actually sharing whay they had done for the last year and a half or two years or more. And their research was in the area they had found more interesting. They had spent the last years involved in discovering how they saw themselves through that subject. So they basically were sharing who they were and what they had done with their lifes in that time. So, there was really not a lot of reason to be anxious about it. They knew perfectly. It was their story. 

With us, musical performers, it runs a little different. For starters, the music we play is seldomly composed by us. We are playing musical discourses composed by others, sometimes very far away in time. We are speaking the words of other people, not our own. To add up, the process of learning a piece many times is not helpfull. Many times we concentrate on playing the notes, cleanly and on time, but still feel stranged regarding what the piece should feel like, or what it means... Many times we expect results within a determined lapse of time and if that is not fulfilled we feel diminished by that. Many times we don't resolve problematic passages and those create a neural path of disstrust in our capacities to actually preform. Many times we try to play things that are outside our present reach and then the fears and uncertainties take root.

So, my advice would be to keep well away of any beta-Blockers, supplements or medicines (unless prescribed after a full process of assesment by a physician or psychiatrist). Instead, I'd try first developing an emotional bond with some easier piece, where you can fell that you solve to your liking all the technical difficulties and dedicate your time to try and understand which emotions you feel that composition portraits and, then, try to think of a moment of your life when you felt clearly that emotion and then study to put as much as possible YOUR emotions, your life, into the piece. While you study the piece try to become involved in every note you play. Try to find and give meaning to every indication and note you play as a part of a musical discourse to share how YOU felt the same emotion that you think the piece portraits. In that way, you make other's music your own. When you feel the music is your own, you'll feel like you are playing a story about yourself. As if you were sharing with friends what you did yesterday...

And "b"... we are not perfect. We don't have to pose to the others our perfect selves, we just share where we are now. This is who I am now, this is what I have to give. I have done my best and this is the result so far. There are always "things". That's part of who we are. There's no need for you to play perfect. The only thing that matters is that you feel the joy of sharing. Everybody will welcome that and it will be an honest share. It's always a process of growth. There's no blame in where we stand. Like when a toddler shares with you the poorly shaped plasticine with the hugest smile and says "Look!!! I made a dog!!". Who would question that?!

I hope this helps! 

Ariel

Thanks for sharing your innermost feelings, Michelle. And take solace in the fact that you are not alone. In fact, I was just talking about my own performance anxiety in a Zoom meeting yesterday that was being conducted by the new Classical Guitar Community group.

Let me use myself as an example. I was originally a classical percussionist, as well as a jazz-rock drummer. I never suffered from any kind of performance anxiety when I was younger. I played concertos in front of hundreds of people, and I was always cool, calm, and collected when I performed. I never even knew that there was such a thing as "performance anxiety".

I took up classical guitar a bit more than 2 years ago as a retirement hobby. You and I are probably close in age. When I played my first Zoom-based Open Mic, I chose a very easy Carulli Waltz. It was something that I could play in my sleep. When I got in front of that camera, my hands started shaking uncontrollably. It was as if an alien took over my body. I played a few more Open Mics, with the same results. I even played a live Open Mic in front of a lot of guitarists at one of those Guitar Summer Camps. I played an arrangement of Eleanor Rigby, something that had a lot of finger movement. I played it perfectly in the rehearsal room 5 minutes before I got on stage. But once I got on stage, I sat on an unfamiliar piano stool, and I started playing at a much faster tempo than I was used to. And people told me that my right hand was shaking like a leaf.

So now what I do is I avoid playing in Open Mics, preferring just to play for myself. I lean back on the sofa and just enjoy the sounds coming out of my guitar. It gives me a ton of pleasure. I can take my time learning difficult pieces without the pressure of having to perform them in front of anyone.

I do play with a guitar orchestra ... the New York City Classical Guitar Orchestra ... and I am fine playing in that in front of people. I think that I get comfort in the fact that I am not performing alone, where everyone's gaze is fixed upon me.

I will never take any kind of medication to feel comfortable playing. I have considered taking a shot of scotch or even taking a toke on my vape pen. But I have not tried it yet.

You might want to consider playing in a duet. Having that other person next to you may give you more comfort. 

As for myself, I think that I chalk my performance anxiety up to the fact that after many years of playing a certain group of instruments relatively well, I find myself with a new instrument that I do not have complete level of control over. People have given me all sorts of advice, but the one that works best is just to share the music with myself ... and with my wife who overhears me playing!
 

Wow, 👏👏👏. This community needs no validation from anyone. But I must say, the time, thoughtfulness and effort put by members like Ariel, Mark and Blaise into sharing their experiences and advice is just exemplary.

What Michelle is sharing with us is something that resonates with me a lot. I don't want to sound patronizing by saying that she's brave in sharing her performance anxiety. But I think it can be difficult to admit sometimes that you have this difficult or unique aspect in your situation that you want to overcome. If anything, I'm speaking from my own experience.

English isn't my first language and what I'm trying to convey might not translate into what I want. But I also suffer performance anxiety like Michelle. Whenever I record myself for a community concert, challenge, it terrified me. The moment I turn on the camera, my heart starts beating fast, my body tenses up, and my fingers try to press too hard like they don't want to let go.

When I play to myself, it gives me these sweet dopamine hits and I couldn't care less about where the world is. But when I record myself, I just want to get to the end without any mistakes. Unfortunately, as I constantly think about avoiding mistakes, one correctly played chord is like a mini battle won, only to be faced with another more difficult battle, and it becomes overwhelming.

There are better and more knowledgeable people who can give you better advice than me, Michelle. But I just wanted to add my own thoughts and share my experience as well. The last thought I'd like to put out is that we live in an 'age of perfection' where everything is seemingly perfect with YouTube, Instagram and social media and you have guitarists, musicians, artists etc who seem perfect in everything they do. Are they though?

Though I've "played around" with guitar for over a half century, I only got a classical teacher in late 2021.  I've had pretty severe performance anxiety too.
Like Marc Adler, I was (but only briefly) in the NYC Guitar Orchestra--and playing with them caused anxiety too.
But our local society has open mics, and I've done them, and some went kinda ok, but some were a disaster (the worst last month I asked the board not to upload it, it went so badly--others, bad enough, were uploaded to youtube--you'll find them on the Brooklyn Classical Guitar Society channel).  One of the society founders also had anxiety, and he took a course with Noa Kageyama, who runs the "bulletproofmusician" website.  It seems to have helped, so I signed up as well.  I'll let you know how it goes.
Re: beta blockers--my teacher is down on them--she seems to think people give flat performances.  They are NOT anxiolytics, but they do decrease the jitters.  The only time I used them was last year after heart surgery--I suspect they would not have helped much with the anxiety.  But I'm also an avid cyclist, and I wouldn't have been happy cycling on beta blockers.  Good luck!

Hey Michelle, first of all, thank you for sharing your experience. It takes courage to share our own inner world, thank you for that.

When it comes to performance anxiety (PA), everyone will have their solution, but ultimately you’ll find the one that works for you. As a performer, teacher and coach, not only I have worked with my students on this theme, but I do too have had my share of PA, and sometimes I still have it today. We are all on the same boat!

Before throwing yourself into any solution, in my experience it’s important to understand what PA is and why it happens. First and foremost is a totally normal body/mind response!

Secondly, we can try to see the anxiety, not as the cause of you not being able to play in front of other people, but as a symptom of something else. The tip of the iceberg is the PA, and most often than not, people will try to manage the symptoms instead of looking at the roots (the iceberg below the water). I’ve done too my breathing exercises, meditation, etc…and whilst they’re good at managing the nerves, they never addressed the problem.

You’re saying that you can play fine at home but not in front of others. My question for you could be: what kind of thoughts and feelings do you have in both separate situations? And that could be your possible starting point. Then see if you can find the why behind that.

When playing for others, not only the competence can affect how you’re going to play, but also the confidence will play a strong role, even more than being able to play the piece.

Some people are fine playing in front of others and being fine with mistakes, etc…what I always wonder is, why? Are they just some special human being, immune to PA, or have they arrived at another conclusion?

Performing is an expression of ourselves and is a beautiful lifetime journey (with ups and downs). Don’t let the PA stop you because I’m sure you have some great music to share with us all!