Performance Anxiety

Hi, Michelle !

I don't know you outside of a few posts and have never seen you play but generally when I hear about performance anxiety in music (and I feel it's very different from sports) I relate it to these 2 things: a) not owning the music, and b) being unable to make peace with the fact of the constant process and instance of sharing. These two are quite related to each other and you can tell if they relate to you or not. 

As an introduction to "a" let me say that I wondered many times why my friends who had to present master and doctorate thesis weren't caught by "stage anxiety" when they were performing their presentations. They had never had any kind of rehearsal or previous presentations or similar instances and certainly they did not entered their carreer thinking about "stage" as a requirement or a day to day bond whith their carreer. But, my answer to that was that when they were presenting they were actually sharing whay they had done for the last year and a half or two years or more. And their research was in the area they had found more interesting. They had spent the last years involved in discovering how they saw themselves through that subject. So they basically were sharing who they were and what they had done with their lifes in that time. So, there was really not a lot of reason to be anxious about it. They knew perfectly. It was their story. 

With us, musical performers, it runs a little different. For starters, the music we play is seldomly composed by us. We are playing musical discourses composed by others, sometimes very far away in time. We are speaking the words of other people, not our own. To add up, the process of learning a piece many times is not helpfull. Many times we concentrate on playing the notes, cleanly and on time, but still feel stranged regarding what the piece should feel like, or what it means... Many times we expect results within a determined lapse of time and if that is not fulfilled we feel diminished by that. Many times we don't resolve problematic passages and those create a neural path of disstrust in our capacities to actually preform. Many times we try to play things that are outside our present reach and then the fears and uncertainties take root.

So, my advice would be to keep well away of any beta-Blockers, supplements or medicines (unless prescribed after a full process of assesment by a physician or psychiatrist). Instead, I'd try first developing an emotional bond with some easier piece, where you can fell that you solve to your liking all the technical difficulties and dedicate your time to try and understand which emotions you feel that composition portraits and, then, try to think of a moment of your life when you felt clearly that emotion and then study to put as much as possible YOUR emotions, your life, into the piece. While you study the piece try to become involved in every note you play. Try to find and give meaning to every indication and note you play as a part of a musical discourse to share how YOU felt the same emotion that you think the piece portraits. In that way, you make other's music your own. When you feel the music is your own, you'll feel like you are playing a story about yourself. As if you were sharing with friends what you did yesterday...

And "b"... we are not perfect. We don't have to pose to the others our perfect selves, we just share where we are now. This is who I am now, this is what I have to give. I have done my best and this is the result so far. There are always "things". That's part of who we are. There's no need for you to play perfect. The only thing that matters is that you feel the joy of sharing. Everybody will welcome that and it will be an honest share. It's always a process of growth. There's no blame in where we stand. Like when a toddler shares with you the poorly shaped plasticine with the hugest smile and says "Look!!! I made a dog!!". Who would question that?!

I hope this helps! 

Ariel

Thanks for sharing your innermost feelings, Michelle. And take solace in the fact that you are not alone. In fact, I was just talking about my own performance anxiety in a Zoom meeting yesterday that was being conducted by the new Classical Guitar Community group.

Let me use myself as an example. I was originally a classical percussionist, as well as a jazz-rock drummer. I never suffered from any kind of performance anxiety when I was younger. I played concertos in front of hundreds of people, and I was always cool, calm, and collected when I performed. I never even knew that there was such a thing as "performance anxiety".

I took up classical guitar a bit more than 2 years ago as a retirement hobby. You and I are probably close in age. When I played my first Zoom-based Open Mic, I chose a very easy Carulli Waltz. It was something that I could play in my sleep. When I got in front of that camera, my hands started shaking uncontrollably. It was as if an alien took over my body. I played a few more Open Mics, with the same results. I even played a live Open Mic in front of a lot of guitarists at one of those Guitar Summer Camps. I played an arrangement of Eleanor Rigby, something that had a lot of finger movement. I played it perfectly in the rehearsal room 5 minutes before I got on stage. But once I got on stage, I sat on an unfamiliar piano stool, and I started playing at a much faster tempo than I was used to. And people told me that my right hand was shaking like a leaf.

So now what I do is I avoid playing in Open Mics, preferring just to play for myself. I lean back on the sofa and just enjoy the sounds coming out of my guitar. It gives me a ton of pleasure. I can take my time learning difficult pieces without the pressure of having to perform them in front of anyone.

I do play with a guitar orchestra ... the New York City Classical Guitar Orchestra ... and I am fine playing in that in front of people. I think that I get comfort in the fact that I am not performing alone, where everyone's gaze is fixed upon me.

I will never take any kind of medication to feel comfortable playing. I have considered taking a shot of scotch or even taking a toke on my vape pen. But I have not tried it yet.

You might want to consider playing in a duet. Having that other person next to you may give you more comfort. 

As for myself, I think that I chalk my performance anxiety up to the fact that after many years of playing a certain group of instruments relatively well, I find myself with a new instrument that I do not have complete level of control over. People have given me all sorts of advice, but the one that works best is just to share the music with myself ... and with my wife who overhears me playing!