Performance Anxiety

Michelle Roper My only real adult sports participation is that I raced bicycles--didn't even finish one season before I was hospitalized with multiple injuries.  Certainly not at a world-class level, though one of my competitors went on to ride the Tour de France 17 times.  Yes I was nervous, but it was a blast, and very different type of nerves from performing.
Apropos of that, you might also want to look at the youtube channel of Molly Gebrian.  Like Noa Kageyama, she is both a performer and a cognitive scientist (she is a violist). Her book "Learn Faster, Perform Better" reviews the cognitive science of learning and performing.  Many of the research papers she references are in fact from the sports world, and I think she makes a good case (with copious examples) of how the principles work in both sport and music.  The tough part is going to be applying all the techniques and principles she lays out, but I get the sense the book is worthwhile.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0197680070/

Michelle Roper She addresses performance anxiety, but is more focused on learning and memory.  She and Kageyama know each other (Kageyama wrote the foreword to her book).  You might also look at the youtube channel of the guitarist Diego Alonso (Diego Alonso Music), who covers similar areas, but of course as a guitarist is more focused on guitar-specific technique.  I mentioned him to Gebrian, and all these guys know each other.

Jacopo What you say here resonates with me, and is in the same "folder" as my own contribution to this very honest, useful and compassionate discussion.  

When I was 12, I stood next to the piano at my recital and said, "Now I shall play____(whatever the piece was)."  When I sat down to play, it had all left my brain, my hands.  I tried humming to myself, picking out a few notes, and the longer I couldn't remember how to begin, the worse the forgetting became.  I had to go to my seat, never having shared. That experience has shaped my life with my beloved guitar, tho rarely at a conscious level.   At 73, I still play, every day, and with every little success with a piece, my love grows.   When I was younger, i did some performing with another fellow for weddings, social events, and small music festivals, and that helped me great deal, but playing alone for people is still hard.  What I want you to know is this.  I have not given up on myself and this is not to say I think you have.  The mere fact that you have instigated this conversation shows that.  What I understand is that if I continue to find little ways to safely share, even the smallest amount of this love, I chip away at the old memory's power diminish the pleasure of being alive.  I know I am going to slowly move away from that old story. 

Currently 3 things empower me.  One is a resolve, which i am acting on occasionally, to ask someone I trust to help me with this by letting me come over and play for them.  Right up front I say what my goal is, that I want to get better at sharing without so much fear.  I only pick people with whom i feel very safe to be myself.  So far, everyone has been so terrific!  They are honored to be given the job!  Especially "useful" are elderly folk who are not all hung up on perfection, and are delighted to be serenaded.

My second tool is a SLOWNESS, and this is part of what someone else described as "owning" the music.  When you practice, try playing very slowly, as if every note was a golden gem whose vibration lives in the heart of everything good in the world.  Forget about how you've heard others play the piece, how it's "supposed" to sound.  Feel each note express itself.  Oddly enough, this not only helps you move through the tricky passages, it helps with memorization (another of my demons)!

Lastly, I keep an image in my mind of one of the most beautiful moments ever in my experience of someone playing. Years ago, at one of our community's "Local Folk Open Stage" talent shows, a homeles fellow known as "Banjo Mike" by people in our town, came up to the stage and sat at the piano. There was a long pause. No one had expected to see him there, and certainly had no idea what he might play. He said nothing; just appeared. And then he began to play, the simplest, totally improvised melody...slowly, but with intent, his fingers not at all hesitating to fully strike each key. It went on like this for about 4 or 5 minutes. Not a cough or rustle in the audience. And when he was done, he simply stood up and slowy walked off the stage. This is what I aspire to. I play the music as it lives most meaningfully in me, and I offer it as honestly and generously as I can, even if it is the simplest melody, fumbles and all. Currently I am working on this lovely piece, "Milonga del Mar," by Patrick Roux: https://youtu.be/e_lzxAoakAI?si=EjK69S3T9_I92SQU. Some parts are difficult, but, by golly, I'm getting through them, inspiringly, with the SlowDown approach!

I hope this helps you find confidnce in your own way, and in a way that helps you enjoy your own aliveness.

Heidi Thank you for your contribution!